History Lesson
by lordkage
Summary: Iruka gets sick, and hires substitute teachers...
1. Bushy Eyebrows

Iruka was sick, because he had spent half his day drinking at the bar last night. He had alcohol poisoning and also hypothermia. So he called in two random guys with a unibrow.

"HELLO MOST YOUTHFUL CHILDREN! TODAY I WILL TEACH YOU THE HISTORY OF THE VILLAGE!" screamed Gai.

"AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, I WILL DO A UNIBROW STAND!"

"AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, I WILL JUGGLE FIVE MOUNTAINS WITH MY PINKY FINGER!"

"AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, I WILL RUND AROUND THE WORLD ON MY EYELASHES."

This continued for an hour, until it ended with...

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

They were hugging with a sunset behind them and unicorns everywhere.

This continued for another hour. Finally, the lesson was ready to begin. The whole class was shivering in fear, with some children crying. Gai did not notice.

"NOW, SHODAI HOKAGE WAS KNOWN AS HASHIRAMA SENJU! HE BECAME HOKAGE AFTER HE DEFEATED THE UNYOUTHFUL UCHIHA MADARA, USING THE FLAMES OF HIS YOUTH! THEN HIS FLAMES BURNED BRIGHTER, AND THAT IS WHY THE LEADER OF THE VILLAGE IS KNOWN AS HOKAGE! ALL SHINOBI OF KONOHAGAKURE BURN WITH THE FLAMES OF YOUTH!"

Finally, the lesson was over. The next day Iruka came to an empty classroom.

"Iruka," said Kakashi. "Your students are all in the hospital after being traumatised by Gai and Lee. They are both now rated in the bingo book as SSS rank ninja." Kakashi shuddred.

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL! LET'S TRAIN!"

Kakashi and Iruka ran away screaming.


	2. Drunk Hokage

Princess Tsunade was having a bad day. She was the 5th Hokage, she shouldn't have had to be a substitute for a stupid Academy class. But here she was, in front of a bunch of stupid kids.

"Alright class." said Tsunade as she began drinking some sake. "I'm supposed to teach you about some random history stuff. I'll teach you about the...Sockdemons? Oh, wait, that says Sannin."

"The Sannin were the three great shinobi of the the leaf, personally trained by the 3rd Hokage."

A random kid threw a paper airplane, at Tsunade, who dodged without looking. Then, she turned around and shattered Iruka's desk with one punch.

"Look, kids. We both don't want to be here, but as long as I am the teacher, you midgets will shut the fuck up, and STOP THROWING FUCKING PAPER AIRPLANES AT ME!"

Tsunade continued her lecture on the Sannin. "Jiraiya was a perverted criminal, and still is a perverted criminal. Orochimaru was a gay pedophile, and still is a gay pedophile."

Some kid snidely whispered to a friend. "Tsunade was a drunk maniac, and still is a drunk maniac."

A shadow fell over him, and he got thrown into Mt. Hokage for insulting her. After that, everything was quiet.

The next day, Iruka began crying when he saw his broken desk, and all the empty bottles of sake that Tsunade had drunk from his desk.


	3. Pervy Sage

"Hello class! North, south, east, west, I am the one and only Jiraiya the Toad Sage! The strongest of the Sannin, the one who can silence a baby's cries, and who every women is attracted to!"

He gazed out at the crowd of midgets, who looked at him as if he were mental. Then one of them began laughing, and soon, the whole class was laughing. Jiraiya looked out, realizing that the midgets thought he had lost his mind.

In all the ensuing confusion, a random kid laughed, and threw a ball at Jiraiya, which him in the face, but bounced off and hit the stupid kid. Jiraiya screamed and said "Fuck you bitches! I'm leaving." Jiraiya stomped out of the room, but not before he summoned Fukusaku to control the children.

"Jiraiya, why did you summon me?"

"Those stupid kids! You teach them their lessons!"

"I'm not going to do your job, you lazy dick! Stop acting like that weird pineapple head kid!"

Shikamaru sneezed.

Fukusaku kicked Jiraiya into the wall, and vanished.

The other children followed Jiraiya as he walked away. He went to the onsen, squatted down, and took notes on bathing women.

"Hey pervert!"

Jiraiya turned and saw some midget with a blue scarf, and a helmet with stickers on it charge him. Behind him was the nerdy kid with glasses, and a girl with a stupid hair style. The first kid tripped on his scarf, and the others tripped on him. Jiraiya laughed, but it was cut short, when the kid screamed "Pervert!"

Tsunade jumped in and said, "Who's the pervert?"

The kid pointed at the pervy sage and said "Him!"

"Liar! I'm not a pervert! I'm a super pervert!"

Jiraiya realized he had said the wrong thing, when Tsunade turned on him, and tried to murder him.

The next day, Iruka began crying at the sight of his broken wall.


	4. Late Once Again

Iruka hoped that the new substitute he hired would be better than the last ones who taught his class. They always failed. Poor Iruka. This substitute was probably worse.

The students of the Academy ran to their seats at 8:00. Their teacher wasn't there yet. After an hour of waiting, the more daring ones began playing games, and eventually by 11:00, they all were out in the field playing Tag. That was when someone's mother walked by, and saw what was happening at the Academy. She stopped all the kids, and asked them where their new teacher was. Some shrugged, and a weird kid with a blue scarf and smiley face helmet, screamed "Who the fuck are you!"

The woman said "I will kill you brat!"

Midget said "You can't kill me! I'm Konohamaru Sarutobi, and I will become the next Hokage!"

A voice called "Yo!"

They all turned to see...a random gray haired man.

"Are you the substitute?" asked Konohamaru and angry woman.

"Yup!" said our gray-haired friend.

"You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago, bitch!"

"No one keeps Konohamaru Sarutobi waiting!" yelled Sandaime's grandson, who ran at the man.

He formed fifty shadow clones, and went through rapid hand seals forming fireballs. Then, he tripped over his scarf which was longer than the Nile River.

"Why did you take so long?" asked the woman.

"Well, you see, I got lost on the road of life...again. A black cat crossed my path, so I had to turn back. Then, there was a crack in the road, from where Lady Tsunade punched it. Then, I accidentally walked under a ladder."

"WHAT THE FUCK! THAT'S NO REASON!"

"You're cute when you're hot, Mariko-chan." said the man, as he accidentally read a line from his book.

The woman's name turned out to be Mariko-chan, and the cyclops suddenly noticed that she was radiating killing intent. _Crap_ though cyclops, and turned to run.

Somewhere else in Konoha, someone was singing about flames of youth, when he saw his eternal rival running from a woman.

"ETERNAL RIVAL! LET US RACE TO THE ENDS OF KONOHA, AND THEN TO KUMO FIFTY TIMES!" said Gai (that's his voice when he is having a conversation).

 _Fuck_ thought Kakashi.

Iruka thought he had left his students in good hands. So he was more than a little surprised when he saw his substitute racing against a bowl cut caterpillar eyebrow dude in a green spandex, being pursued by an angry women, and being rooted on by random students.

Poor Iruka.


	5. Author's Note

Sorry, people, but I am going to India for the next two years. The Wi-fi there sucks, so unfortunately, there will be no Adopted for two years. Sorry. Luckily, I'll be able to write on Pages, so you will probably get a bunch of chapters in two years.


	6. Kukukukukukukukukukukukukuku

Author's Note: I'M BACK! DUN DUN DUN!

Normally, when a teacher walks in to a class, the class continues to chatter. However, this time, it was different. Maybe it was because of the fact that the students were unsure of the gender of their new teacher. Maybe it was because he/she had snakes coming out of their sleeves. Maybe it was because of the way, he/she said, "We're going to have a lot of fun. Kukukukukukukukukukukukukuku..." One particularly blonde ninja yelled, "What the fuck? It's a cuckoo bird, disguised as a ninja! Let's kill it!" The blonde charged at the teacher, without waiting for a response from his fellow classmates. He tried to punch him/her. He/she dodged. Another ninja with an IQ resembling that of a boiled carrot yelled, "I get it! It's many different cuckoos in one body!" He joined the blonde, despite his more intelligent dog trying to stop him. After a while, the teacher got bored, and flicked them back to their sheets. He/she then threw several shuriken, which effectively bound them to the seats. Now he/she began teaching. At the end of his lecture, he/she then said, "Any questions?" A round ninja sitting next to a pineapple haircut guy raised his hand, and asked, "What's your name, and are you a boy or a girl?" He/she screamed at Choji, "What does this have to with anything?" "Who even cares about this shit? Just answer the question! Or are you not sure yourself?" He/she sighed, "I'm Orochimaru, and I'm a boy. And speaking of shit, Konoha's future ninja are pretty shit." A duckass kid stood up and screamed at Orochimaru, "I"m an elite nin-" Both Naruto and Kiba screamed at him, "SHUT UP USELESS UCHIHA BITCH!" As an army of fangirl charged at them, Orochimaru screamed, "I want you!" and shot at Sasuke to bite him. Then, the fangirls attacked him, screaming, "I WANT THE FIRST KISS!" The fangirls then began fighting over Sasuke. Meanwhile, Orochimaru snuch out. IN the end, everyone left, conveniently forgetting about Kiba and Naruto. When Iruka came in, he was shocked to find blood on the seats, and two pissed of ninja stuck to a chair.


End file.
